colbert on bullying

[Audio: English; Captions: none; Transcript: below]

Thanks to Rubbish Transcriber again!

[Stephen] “Herman Cain is not the only one out there being bullied in America. Bullies are also a menace in our schools and I will not stand for it. In fact, if I catch anyone bullying I will twist their nipple until it is swollen and purple as a plum, yank their t-shirt over their head and shove them into the girl’s bathroom. Because it has got to stop.

But sometimes, well meaning people go too far. A case in point: 47 states have passed restrictive anti-bullying legislation and these laws just replace the schoolyard bully with the bully of big government. Thankfully, one state has found a way to act as a big brother to our kids, without becoming Big Brother

Which brings us to tonight’s Word: Bully Pulpit.

Folks, the state of Michigan just passed “Matt’s Safe School Law”, named for teenager Matt Epling, who tragically committed suicide in 2002 after being tormented by classmates for being gay. It requires every public school adopt and implement a policy prohibiting bullying by pupils at school.

Now this sounds like a just and fitting tribute to an innocent victim, but Gary Glenn, president of the American Family Association of Michigan, told Time magazine what this really is – “a Trojan horse for the homosexual agenda”.

Oh yes. It is well known that the homosexual agenda is just an insidious plot to prevent gay teenagers from dying. And, that Trojans were really gay. [Transcriber’s Note – on screen “Helen was a total beard”] And folks, this law clearly associates being anti bully with being pro gay. [[on screen “Or at least amateur gay”] and I believe that violates the free speech of Christians who are simply trying to follow Leviticus:

“If a man has sexual relations with a man as one does with a woman, both of them have done what is detestable. They are to be put to death”.

That’s not me, that’s God. The all knowing, all loving creator who made all things – and hates some of them [screen “Hell = tough love].

But under these anti bullying laws, if a christian jock yells “You’re damned to hell, you queer”, he could get suspended and miss the big game. Then he won’t get to tackle all those sweaty guys in the tight pants. [on screen “Rainbow flag on the play”].

I mean thank goodness Michigan Senate Republicans stepped in, pantsed that law and stuffed it in a locker, by adding an exemption that states “this section does not prohibit a statement of a sincerely held religious belief or moral conviction”.

That’s too complicated. Tell them what it means, News Dork!”

[Newscaster voice over] “The bill also gives students license to bully based on religious beliefs”

[Stephen] “ha ha! Nice report, lesbo. [Genuflects]. The point is, bullying is just fine as long as you get a permission slip from God. [on screen “Or can forge a burning bush].

Now, with this amendment to the law, if you’re a Michigan Christian teenager giving a gay kid a swirly, you can just say it’s a baptism [On screen: “The John, the Baptist”]. After all, if you read the bible, you know Jesus was a bully [on screen – “Jesus shoves you!”] because he threw the moneylenders out of the temple, because they were the Mathletes! [on screen – “and took their lunch gold”]. I mean, just look at him in the cafeteria, hanging out at the cool kid’s table [on screen, da Vinci’s “Last Supper”] – “oh no, there’s only room for these twelve guys. Go sit somewhere else, you pharisees”.

[Steven] “I mean, just look at him in the cafeteria, hanging out at the cool kid’s table [on screen, da Vinci’s “Last Supper”] – “oh no, there’s only room for these twelve guys. Go sit somewhere else, you pharisees”- even though there’s clearly tons of space on the other side of the table.

By the way, Christian teens don’t have to restrict their righteous bullying to gays [on screen – “See also: women”]. According to the book of Leviticus, they should also torment their classmates who have tattoos, wear clothing ‘woven of two kinds of material’ or are girls ‘in the time of their menstrual impurity’. And don’t just bully the girls – bully anyone who touches them, ‘for they are unclean’. And they remain unclean until the girl gives the principal ‘two turtles or two young pigeons’ to be sacrificed.

Obviously we’re talking about Christians here. We can’t have Hindus, Jews and Muslims bullying us about burgers, bacon and booze. [On screen: “Mmmm, a booze bacon burger”] As I see it folks, there’s only one problem with this amendment. It also allows bullying based on ‘sincerely held moral conviction’. And there may be some out there who are convinced that, by inserting into a law written to prevent the suicides of tormented gay children, an amendment that justifies that cruelty by appealing to God, these Republican senators are being immoral. [On screen: “Hypochristians”].

And I just worry that, next November, those voters might pick on them.

And that’s the Word. We’ll be right back.


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