It’s very rare that I get to see any kind of “mainstream” political satire on TV, since I really only see online clips which MSM almost never caption. Rubbish Transcriber over at Slog was kind enough to do a quick transcription, so I thought I’d share this with anyone else who would also appreciate this but who doesn’t generally watch TV except online either. So here is Jon Stewart on Marcus Bachmann, with transcriptions:
|The Daily Show With Jon Stewart||Mon – Thurs 11p / 10c|
|Field of Dongs|
Transcript after the jump:
[Intro blah blah]
John: “Let’s begin tonight with the latest from Indecision 2012. Michelle Bachmann has surged to a five point lead over rival Mitt Romney in the for no apparent reason crucial presidential battleground of Iowa. The key to Bachmann’s success? Pro-growth agenda, adherence to the founding father’s principles – and a little something extra special”:
Newscaster / pundit voiceover video clip of Bachmann: “Analysts say her uncompromising views on homosexuality are also one of the big reasons she is gaining traction in Iowa”
John: “What? Why would Iowans be so concerned about what happens three inches below the corn belt? I guess since the Iowa Supreme Court legalized same sex marriage in 2009 they’ve noticed real changes in their state’s cash crop”
[pic of field of dongs].
John: “Yes! Their worst fears! Their crops destroyed by a cock plague! A plague predicted in the 1989 hit film about Iowa, “Field of Dongs”. If you build it… they will… you know. Yeah. So, it’s no surprise, it’s no surprise that Bachmann’s anti gay message is resonating with Conservatives there. But lest you think she’s pandering – rest assured – she’s been on this message for years.
[Nasty recorded Michelle Bachmann quote is then played – it’s transcribed in the video and I can’t bring myself to type it. Editorial note: seriously, who do these people think they are?]
John, mocking Michelle Bachmann’s accent: “I mean if I were to use a word to describe their lifestyle, I’d say it was queer! And it – what? Oh God, they took that word too? Oh God. Those cocksuckers. Oh! They’ve got that one too?”
John : “Representative Bachmann doesn’t just talk the talk. She and her husband, Ph.D. Marcus Bachmann also walk the walk. Dr Bachmann runs a Christian counseling firm that allegedly practices reparative therapy, or ‘Pray the Gay Away’. And while he’s denied that that is a part of his practice, some of his former patients remember things differently”.
Former patient: “His path for my therapy would be to read the Bible, and pray to God that I would no longer be gay”
Voiceover: “And if none of that worked, Ramirez says, the counselor had another idea”
Interviewer: “He suggested to you – what?”
Former patient: “Not acting out on my same sex attractions and living a life of celibacy”.
John: “The doctor also prescribed a drug cocktail of Ibustraightophen, Nohomotrin and Heteron, and, unfortunately, the side effect was a four hour erection, and, you know, I wasn’t going to let that go to waste”.
Jon: Of course, in all of this, we haven’t yet heard from the man himself, Dr Bachmann, seen here, dancing with his wife at a tea party – wait, I’m sorry, can we just come back here? That’s Michelle Bachmann’s husband? [Jon sounding a bit incredulous]. That’s, that’s the guy…. teaching people not to be gay. Seriously. [Much audience laughter] Is that the guy – is he teaching people how not to be gay? Or is he like the Green Mile guy – just absorbing it all? No, no, you know what? No. No. I’m not going there. Don’t. Don’t go there Jon. Just repress it. Even though you’re feeling a deep desire to comically exploit the fact that this man is an Izod shirt away from being the gay character on Modern Family. Of course, one of them is a straight man pretending to be gay. No. Don’t do that Jon!! Just because Dr Bachmann’s therapy to “cure gayness” does real damage to real people, and he’s seemingly curing them so that he can hoard all the gayness for himself – that is no reason to let your primal urge to ridicule this seeming hypocrisy out. Just turn it off like a light switch. Turn it off. The feeling will pass. Hah! Phew! Alright. You know what? Everyone looks gayer when they’re dancing anyway. Let’s just hear what he has to say”:
[Again – transcribed in the clip. Bachmann speaks with a stereotypical gay tone. I can’t bear to type out the disgusting word salad that he’s saying].
Jon: “Really! First of all, gay teenagers are barbarians who need to be educated! You m….[stops himself].
|The Daily Show With Jon Stewart||Mon – Thurs 11p / 10c|
|Comedy Repression Therapy|
Transcript after the jump:
Jon: “Repress it. Discipline. Even though I think this man’s views are terrible. And he dances and sounds not only gay but center square gay. I realize this is bigger than I am. I can’t fight this on my own. I need a higher power. Someone who’s been through this. Someone who understands my struggles. I wish that someone could..”
Jerry: “It’s going to be OK Jon”.
Audience: “Jerry, Jerry, Jerry”
Jon: “I think they have you confused with a different Jerry, but I”m glad you’re here. It’s my comedy repression therapist”
Jerry: “You’re having trouble Jon, you’re having that urge to ridicule again, aren’t you.
Jon: “Yes. A presidential candidates husband. Tries to cure gay people while himself – just take a look:
Jerry: “Wow…. OK. I’m coming in”.
Jon: “Thanks, I appreciate that”.
Jerry: “OK, Jon, you’re going to be OK. You need to get it out. What’s your body wanting you to say?”
Jon: “Oh I dunno, something like – He’s so gay he calls Top Gun “that volleyball movie”.
Jerry: [slaps Jon] No! no!
Jon: “Wow. Thank you! I needed that”.
Jerry: “You’re welcome”
Jon: “Although that was a little harder than in rehearsal, and it was more on the eye than I though it was going to be”
Jerry: “I don’t believe in half measures, and I don’t know how to stage slap anyway
Jon: “That’s going to leave a mark. You know, just because this guy runs a therapy practice that perpetrates a terrible societal pressure on gay people, it doesn’t mean that I should give in to my darker comedic urges – but I want to soooo badly”
Jerry: “Look, we talked about this in group. Jon, comedy is a choice. You weren’t born this way. You can resist it. You must resist it.”.
Jon: “It’s so hard Jerry”
Jerry: “But instead of going for the cheap gay joke, why don’t you try watching the footage and making some astute obervations?”
Jerry: “Look at him. He’s a big man. He’s dancing. What kind of dance is he doing?”
Jon: “I think it’s the shag”
Jerry: “Alright! The shag. That’s funny name! and he’s got a funny name”
Jon: “Marcus Bachmann? How is that funny?”
Jerry: “Bach – mann. What is that? Is that like some classical music superhero? Bachman? You see? YOu see? This is a target rich environment. I can’t believe that you get Emmys for this crap”
Jon: “I see. It’s a funny name, but have you heard his voice? It’s very suggestive of certain things, it’s like hitting off a tee, I mean, just listen:”
[Replay of nasty Marcus Bachman quote about gay teen barbarians]
Jerry: “OK, so it’s a funny tone, he’s got a funny tone, but you’ve got to go deeper than that, tone’s cheap. You see me getting laughs with the way that I talk? [voice getting increasingly strained]
Jon: “Yes, yes I see you getting laughs”
Jerry: “No, no, they’re not laughing because of that – this is just my natural tone [Editorial: it’s not, it’s kind of strained. This bit’s a bit lame to be honest].
[They argue about whether his voice has a funny tone or not].
Jon: “So, aren’t you ever tempted by this stuff?”
Jerry: “Of course. Of course I’d love to say – ‘Dr Marcus Bachmann buys Brawny paper towels for the packaging’ I have that in me. Or – ‘He’s so gay Richard Simmons tells him to ‘tone it down'”.
Jon: “Or that he shits Pinkberry”.
[Jerry slaps Jon again]
Jerry: “No! No! That was for going blue. Don’t work the blue.”
Jon: “OK. It was better that it was lower”
Jerry: “It was your bit”
Jon: “I’ll do better, I’ll try harder, thank you for being here”
Jerry: “Good man, and remember, no matter how much of a comedy home run someone’s stereotypical behaviour may be, you have to stay focused. Jon this is a nightly news parody program, not a gay dancing and tone social readjustment seminar.”
Jon: “I know. Thank you”
Jerry: “Alright. I have to go, I’m needed elsewhere. Don Rickles is about to get a Chinese food delivery by a man who’s half Puerto Rican and half Jewish”.
Jon: “God speed”